Well, Now What?

So it is done.

The boys are registered in school for the fall.  The 2016/17 school year is wrapped up ( technically), community club events ( the ones I am primarily responsible for) are done…  and I am drained of personal spoons ( resources).  Yet I don’t know at this point how much of my Meh is due to that and how much is linked to a loss of purpose.  Purpose leading to a sense of self-worth.  That leading to …

Ya.  You can see where this is going.  About now is when the outpouring of well-meaning cliche’s start.  ” So, now you get to focus on working on you. “, “What do you have planned for the fall?”, ” But your job with the boys isn’t over… you will just continue with aiding them in their next adventure”, and the ” but you already do so much… “.   As I said, these are all well-meaning and if you happen to be one of the folks that have said these then recognize I appreciate your intent.  These all seem to follow a similar path…  I need to do, to work, to plan, and not be idle.  Ever striving to be awesome which is the highest of value.

 ” You are not what you do – you are inherently worthy.”

I still blink blankly at this statement.  A wistful part of me nods and says ” duh” yet my inner DO-ER is left twitchy with the need to strive, to prove, and to validate.  To be worthy…  and back we go to ”but you already are.”

Namaste – The divine in me greets the divine in you.

If the Divine is already within me then I don’t have to chase it, strive to earn it, have it validated or matured.  I just have to sit in it.

I just had an image mentally of sitting in something not pleasant…*curling nose.  But perhaps that is it.  This is not going to be comfortable.  This is not going to feel natural.  This is not going to ‘sit’ well with others.  Yet that is the next journey for me.  To sit in who I am and not try to Be.  To breathe in the morning sunshine with a cup of coffee.  To create art with abandon – expressing in shapes and colors and textures what my words can not.  To love those in my tribe with pride and devotion and not deeds.  To bring myself into our tribe and to love what I am with pride and devotion and not acts of self-improvement.  To constantly be trying to fix someone I love is not love…

Damn.  I hate it when things come back full circle.

This post was originally written on July 14 2017  and migrated in

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