It is easy to turn to the world and blame it for getting in the way of the bliss and joy that we feel entitled to. This week there is no school for my two boys and it is easy to clench my jaw at their interruptions and noises, the chasing of chore duties, and the general movement of other people in my space. It must be THEIR fault I am feeling stressed and am unable to work on MY work. Yup. Must be. * snorts* Might as well check out facebook and look for that ___ I was thinking about.
And down the rabbit hole, 3 hours is spent. Still, it must be their fault or facebook’s fault. Damn them!
Warm denial! Sleepy resistance. Illusion of safety
We laugh at the absurdity of this when it is written in black and white but there is a strong grain of reality that this pattern echoes. Distractions and self-sabotage would be so much easier to identify and guard against if they were always the big bullies on the playground. Yet they are more successful at their jobs when they come in sweet justifiable comforts. They soothe us, they excuse us, they wrap us in a blanket of ease and inaction. The most successful shadows of our inner workings don’t yell at us, they don’t openly abuse us, and they redirect with a skill that is remarkable and unseen. Even the criticism is comfortable as the ” devil we know” that to challenge it seems illogical and pointless.
To step out from their familiar companionship is scary as fuck! The coldness and discomfort get compounded by the shadow of fear that scares us back to what we have always done or believed. Fear is Safe. It offers us the sweet candies of blaming others, believing in our own inability, and the sweet sweet excuses that swing our choices to actions that numb us or escape the world. Overeating, over gaming, overworking, over… Anything that allows us the freedom of not facing our own true strength and true self!
Do I want to face my trauma today? Do I want to face my victims lies? Do I want to face my prostitute’s fears? Do I want to face my saboteur’s easy defeats? Do I want to face child’s wounds? Nope.
Correction. FUCK NO! You can well imagine my child stomping her feet and crossing her arms. She wants to play with her toys alone and glare at the world. She does not want to risk the trust that she may be wrong. She does not want to risk being seen and abandoned, the wounds compounded. She doesn’t want that wound touched because it will hurt! The iodine will sting, the ointment will burn, and the bandage will itch. All shadowy excuses to not risk!
Each of Jung’s archetypes has a shadow and a light side. Both of them serve us. During this past month-ish, my shadows have kept me very safe until I was able (and read) to face the triggers to their fears. So one at a time I will look to their companions, draw their hands together, and love them both. Thank them for keeping me safe and reassure them that we have got it. So my wounded and terrified child needs her counterpoint. The child in me that sees the hope, the glow, and the joy still there in the world. Not taken away by those nasty boys, my time is mine to play in. The child may not trust or honor the adults telling her what to do but another little girl? So my Muse of Innocence is not a mother figure but the playful and hoped filled smiles that squats down in her dress in a rather unladylike fashion and comforts then draws her out to go play again.
One step at a time.
One dance at a time.
One laugh at a time.
I am the path to my own joy through love and laughter!